dear friends and family,

there are many many of you that i have been needing/wanting to get ahold of, and/or call/text/email back. i apologize. please know that i love you, and think about everyone i am blessed with in my life every day. i am hanging in there and ask for your understanding in getting back to you as i am able.

this probably sounds real dramatic, but i feel guilty.

sincerely, nicole

ty put this as our desktop background in honor of me- ha.

my happy place

i have lots more pictures to post from our trip to the ocean/redwoods.

coming soon...

sixteen, no, twenty-nine candles

hair: inspired by kirsti. she has made me fall in love with high ponytails all over again. except, just like in elementary school, they make my scalp ache after a couple hours.

lips: remember my wish list? so chaud by mac. love it.

eyes: hand selected by a team of julie, kirsti, and me at urban outfitters. cheapest frames ever to put my prescription in.

29, and feeling fine.

well, feeling fine about the age part. but i did just have a 30 minute sobbing session. i told tyler... this is why i spend my birthday alone- no expectations. birthdays are both my best and worst day. it's complicated. but, now i am feeling on the up, and we have made a game plan to my liking. so i'm off.

birthday breakfast at mcdonald's this morning. yes, i chose mcdonald's.

ps- one of my all-time favorite michael scott quotes....

"i've always been good with older women. in fact, for a long time my grandma was my best friend.... then she met harriet. now she thinks she's better than everyone."

it's called survival mode....

and it's where i've been living for 1-2 months.

this is the first time i could even bring myself to post.

am i the only one that cannot find it in myself to post about normal things when everything is not normal?

also, i know that i look a little pregnant here.... but don't worry. not pregnant.

hopefully "normal" posts will be resuming shortly.

shoulder length hair inspiration... for ashley

don't be depressed ash. you have awesome hair... and after finding these pictures i'm pretty close to cutting my hair off. we'll make you look so cute, i promise. which ones do you like?

my current wish list

1. say yes to cucumbers facial wipes. i have been reading good things about these, and i just like the sound of them. i'm usually not a facial wipe person, but these are calling my name.

2. estee lauder idealist even skintone illuminator. the name says it all. yes please.

3. i love trying new mascaras, and this is cover girl's latest. really i'll try anything if they have drew barrymore in the ad.

4. ooohh, i just read about this, and i think it is made for me. it is for dark circles (and of course fine lines). it is an eye cream on bottom, and a concealer on top. they described it a lot better in the magazine.

5. mac- so chaud lipstick. i have never bought anything from mac, but i kinda want to go in there for a makeover, just to see what they would come up with. and i definitly want this lipstick.

6. this shirt looks so cozy and light to me (it is getting so hot).

7. i am on the lookout for a perfect pair of summer heels... something along these lines.

8. i so regret selling my dad our camera, and have decided after a weekend of using his, that i want one again.

9. do i really have to explain this one? if you know me at all, then i don't.

10. i want a piano so so bad. tyler has never let me get one because he doesn't want to have to move it. that argument no longer applies since he bought his safe, which weighs one million pounds. so guess who is going to get a piano? this girl.



wanna start your day laughing out loud?

then watch this...

don't worry there's no swearing.

tyler showed me this this morning and i was laughing so hard. i want to watch it over and over, and i think that grant should perform this at the reunion.

have a nice day!

ps- you can hear the guy filming him laughing so hard- ha.



be my litle baby

last night before bed, i was looking through kelly's "favorite posts", and i found this picture:

this picture always makes me tear up. it is right before my mission- a few months before my mom died. that is her looking over my shoulder. and that is cate as a baby.

i had a dream last night. in my dream was a little, blonde-haired roman. he was so yummy. i was holding him to my chest, and rocking him saying, "i just want you so much", over and over.

i kid you not, this was my dream.

i am getting a little choked up even typing it. it was so real feeling. he felt so real.

i haven't been able to shake it all day, and have started crying a couple times seeing pictures of cute babies.

you guys, i need roman. like, now.

i am so sad, and just lonely.

tyler and i were on a walk with dottie the other night, and one of the houses we walked by had all the cozy lights on, and people throughout it, and it filled me with longing.

where are all the people to fill my house?

i know i haven't really updated the fertility situation. i reallllly lost it on that third month of clomid. i'm not on it anymore. i couldn't. and i'm not sure that i will be doing much more doctor stuff. at least not for now. i just can't live like that. it is so hard, i can't even express.

i just want to be happy.

tyler and i are probably going to start the adoption process here pretty soon. a couple in our ward adopted their baby (they can't have their own... and their little adopted girl is the cutest thing ever), and he was telling us, it's all about networking.

soooo.....

anyone want to give us a baby?

but seriously, keep your ears open for us.

cause remember this picture?

i neeeeeeed him. i really do.

ps- the guy also told us that when you adopt, you do get one thing that all those fertile couples don't. you get to take your sweet little baby to the temple, and place your hands on the altar all together, and be sealed as a family for eternity.

okay, crying again.

I do not like to write - I like to have written. ~Gloria Steinem

i have been wanting to post about this book 4-eva.

it is a game changer.

it will literally change your life.

or maybe it won't, what do i know?

but it has, no is (i'm a work in progress) changing mine.

if you have a creative bone in your body, this book is for you.

it is so inspiring. it is so informative.

it describes exactly things about myself that i had never articulated, and then helps you to overcome those things.

one of the "exercises" that the author has you start doing from the beginning are 'morning pages'.

which are basically three written (not typed) pages, done by you, every morning. you can't stop writing to think, so they are just stream of consciousness. they literally empty your brain.

and some funny stuff comes out.

i have one full notebook of morning pages, and i was laughing so hard reading back through some of them.

here's a couple examples (all from different days):

*tyler is being good so far while i'm writing these because i told him i'd buy him a bug with some of my book money. i just read that last sentence out loud to him while i was writing it, and he corrected me by saying a "bad ass" bug. oh boy.

*last night he was talking about his ex-girlfriends and his life (which i can never get him to do).... after ty described charecteristics of kate and breanne, i asked what i was like. his response: huge, huge, knockers.... huge knockers, and a blocked fallopian tube.

*uh oh, tyler has now started doing crazy annoying crap. he is the worst. he is pushing my buttons and making me yell at him. next stop, getting out of my chair and storming across the room to strangle him. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. YES YES YES YES YES. sorry, that was the only way i could keep writing while tyler was driving me crazy. the yes's were because he asked me if i liked this pen better than him.

oh, good times. it honestly surprises me all the time how funny tyler is. he's sneaky about it.

but it's definitly not a good idea to try and do my pages while he is around. haha.

it does make for entertaining writing though.

i'm so glad i have this stuff written down, because i had totally forgotten it.

it's kinda like a journal, but way better, because you don't edit out all the good stuff.

I'm going to close with a select few of the basic principles that the author teaches in the book.

1. when we open ourselves to our creativity, we open ourselves to the creator's creativity within us and our lives.

2. we are, ourselves, creations. and we, in turn, are meant to continue creativity by being creative ourselves.

3. creativity is god's gift to us. using our creativity is our gift back to god.

4. the refusal to be creative is self-will and is counter to our true nature.

5. our creative dreams and yearnings come from a divine source. as we move toward our dreams, we move toward our divinity.

inspired yet???

NO?

okay, then here is one more quote.....

Ink on paper is as beautiful to me as flowers on the mountains; God composes, why shouldn't we? ~Terri Guillemets

okay, i really have to go now, because the dvd menu for the wedding singer is playing on a loop downstairs and it's driving me crazy.

also, i need to go start dinner.

we're having meatloaf, mashed potatoes, peas, biscuits, and an apple pie with vanilla ice cream.

and yes, it's from scratch.

jealous?

 i sure wish i had some of my family and friends over to enjoy it with.

nothing inspires me to work out like a fantastic pair of legs.... lunges here i come

i am coming out of my clomid haze... hallelujah.

after my last post about being so depressed and not being able to admit anything i was grateful for, my sister heather sent me an email. she said that she and her kids couldn't believe that i couldn't even be grateful for dottie! well, since i am starting to feel a little bit better, i decided to make a list of all the things i am grateful for right now. i haven't done a list in so long! i love lists.

1. have you ever seen the show "billy the exterminator"? tyler loves it and we have been waching it a ton. okay, so if you know griffin boice, you need to look up this show and watch it, because 'billy' looks exactly, exactly, like griffin. the funniest part is though, he has a world class mullet. no, the word mullet doesn't even do it justice, you just have to experience it. he also dresses in all black with like, metal spiked shoulders and gloves. it is soooo funny. it is like watching griffin in a halloween costume. i can't get over it.

2. tyler is a really good husband. (well, not right exactly now, cause he is being reaaallll bratty and demanding carrot cake to be delivered to him in bed... but other than right now, he's real good). as i might have mentioned once or twice, i have been crazy... and crazy depressed. not only did he buy me a new car to cheer me up, and take me on a real fun road trip (which i will blog about later), he is just so patient and loving with me. i threw a whopper of a tantrum on sunday. a reaaallll bad one. i blogged a long time ago about my dad experiencing my wrath for making us miss the mcdonald's breakfast. well tyler didn't let me go to sonic, and i reaallly wanted a chili cheese coney. (yes it was sunday, leave me alone). i flipped out. like, i was stomping my feet and screaming "i hate you!!!" at the top of my lungs. i wouldn't come upstairs with him, and i was major pouting. the whole time, through my like 2 hour tantrum, he was saying how he just wanted me to come spend time with him, and that he just wanted to be with me. then later that night, when i had (mostly) cooled off, he put his arm around me and told me that he just loved everything about me. and then as a bonus he called me pint-sized. this is why my mom loved him so much, because he really does love me so so much. it even blows me away sometimes. he just loves me. and i don't know for sure, but i think he might like it when i blow up :)

3. speaking of my dad and mcdonald's breakfast, he is coming to my house and staying the night on the way to his old fart fishing trip, and i am so excited!

4. also, in july we are having a big family reunion in utah and i get to see my sisters! okay and my brother too :)  i am just so excited to be with all my family. i love my family so much. summer is usually the time we all get to see each other and i can't wait.

5. did i mention that i live right by tahoe, and it's almost summer? tahoe in the summer is heaven on earth. tyler and i are discussing what hikes we want to go on... where we want to camp... etc. can't wait.

6. tyler and i are also discussing what little trips we want to take this summer/fall, and they include, but are not limited to: southern california, las vegas, bay area / giants baseball game, and yosemite.

7. my car is awesome.

8. dottie was hanging out in the backyard today, laying in the sun i assumed. i went out front to dump something in the big garbage can and as i rounded the corner by the backyard gate, i caught dottie red-handed. she was digging out under the gate and was laying on her side, half in the backyard and half in the front, pushing all her little paws so fast trying to make it through. i came around the corner and our eyes met, and she knew she was busted. she scrambled back to the backyard, and started shaking her little bum bum so hard, looking at me. she is so funny. she is my love. but she did get a little spanking for that one.

9. so you think you can dance. sigh. i got choked up when i started watching the first episode, because i just couldn't believe it was on again. i should've been a dancer.

okay, that's all for now. see, i'm grateful.

i'm sooooooo excited!!!!!!

alternate post titles included:

- if i can't have kids at least i can have a kick-a$$ car!
- i have the bestest husband ever!
- nothing gets you out of a depression like a new car!

i feel so happy right now. i haven't felt any inkling of happiness in a couple weeks, so this is pretty big news. my depression/anger has been significant, and so foreign to me. even when bad things are happening, i can usually crank up a song, or go through a drive thru, or watch a show, or get into a book (you get the idea), and be totally happy. i honestly could not do that this time. i felt empty inside. well, other than the anger. heathie, you talked in your post about just thinking of everything you were grateful for.... i am usually sooo good at that, but i couldn't even do it. i couldn't admit one thing i was grateful for. i really think it was the clomid and not me.... that's what kelly said. but knowing that didn't neccesarily make it any easier.

anywhooooo,
tyler has been so wonderful. so supportive and loving... and i am not lovable right now. friday night he asked me if i needed a little trip, and i brattily nodded my head yes. so he said, okay let's start planning one. then sat/sun we started talking (again) about if i should get a new car. so he took me on a little excursion to test drive one here, and started some extensive internet research looking for (literally) my dream car. they (i am specific/picky) are hard to find, lemme tell you!! in fact, the only one we could find (including brand new dealership ones) was in seattle.

soooooo,
we are combining the two (the getaway and the car). we've been one the phone/computer all morning, and it's official. would you like to see my new car??

my heart is fluttering even uploading the pictures.
it's a 2010 subaru impreza wrx wagon.
and it is sososososososooooooo fast. we test drove one here, and when i pressed the gas (i was only in second gear and shot up to 60 in like two seconds), i literally said "holy sh##!"- with the salesman in the car. it's amazing. so fun.
is tyler not the best?
he really really is taking care of his crazy wife.

i just booked the plane tickets... we fly out saturday late afternoon, and get the car right away. then we'll spend that night in seattle, and take 2-3 days to drive home through portland and ashland etc.
i can't wait.
it feels so good to be happy again :)

ps- don't worry... i know that lasting happiness is not based on fast "dream" cars, but they sure help :)

as kelly so eloquently put it... i am clomiderific

i haven't dared blog, because who knows what i'll put on here. i am kind of quarantining myself. but just wanted to check in and say what's up while i'm in a rare moment of feeling normal/borderline happy. the last couple of weeks have been not so happy. i've decided that mother's day is pretty sucky when your mom is dead and you are infertile. i'm going through a real angry phase. and a real depressed phase. kelly tells me to not trust any of my emotions right now, so i'm trying to keep that in mind. well, i better stop talking before i really get going. hopefully i'll be back on my game soon.

schools in, sucka

hot tip: did you know that you can buy 'u can't touch this' on itunes for 69 cents?
i'd get on that if i were you.
that song is kelly's ringtone on my phone.
have you listened to it in awhile? cause i guarantee that it will make your day. there is no way to not be happy when you are listening to that song.
what's even better you ask?
watching the video...

the best part about this is the first comment that someone left on youtube:

"MC Hammer should be a secuirity guard at an art musuem… “Can’t touch this”"

good one uroblaster.

does anyone want to come over and practice these dance moves? cause i am seriously going to learn and practice all of them. i have to catch up to kelly, who is already pretty proficient.

how awesome would it be to go to an aerobics class where they did all 90's dance moves to songs like this? i would freaking love that.

would mc hammer not be the best halloween costume? and have a couple of girls in bike shorts and sports bras with you? or maybe i'm like 20 years too late for that to be funny. haha.

sisters: can't you see heathie's big buns in those bike shorts and sports bra doing those dances? i was laughing so hard imagining that. although, the more i think about it, i think that those images are from my memory, not my imagination. smile, heathie :)

speaking of laughing so hard... watching this reminded me of the in living color skit where tommy davidson spoofed mc hammer. classic. i was dying watching this, while tyler rolled his eyes at me. maybe you have to grow up watching in living color??

have a good day!

strike that, reverse it.

        i didn't end up taking a break from clomid.
        right after i posted that i got a stern talking to from ms. ashley boice, giving me some tough love. now friends and family, don't read this and think you're allowed to give me tough love... nine times out of ten, i don't respond well. but in this instance it was needed, and it was inspired. i love love ashley. have i mentioned that like a million times before?
        anyway, at the end of the talk she made me promise to at least talk to the doctor about it before i decided for sure. and then the coolest thing happened. let me back up- the main three things that i was stressed about were, a. money, b. needing to be back on metformin, but the doc still wanted me to be retested first, and c. she was going to double my dose of clomid... and if it was double of the first month- yikes. so, after i talked to ashley my doctor's nurse called, and without me saying anything said, a. that she wanted me to come in for a sonogram to make sure i was ready for round two free of charge, b. put me immediately back on metformin, and c. keep me at the same level of clomid another month. inspired much?
        so long story short... i'm back on metformin and i feel soooo good about that. you know how you just know your body? i know i needed that. also, i have already taken my second round of clomid (last week), and i am feeling really good. i'm working out, my anxiety is way down, and i haven't gained any weight (besides the like three pounds that i gained since the beginning). however my hot flashes are soooooo bad this round. it is seriously the worst. if i had never had them i would think, what could possibly be so bad about a hot flash? but lemme tell you, it is the worst. it's almost a flu feeling. that super hot, then cold, then hot, full body flush... no flush isn't a big enough word. more like tidal wave. sweaty upper lip, naseous, can't sleep because you are so uncomfortable.... you get the picture. yuck. but that has started to calm down a bit.
       
         okay, but here is my advice for you:
do not rent mean girls 2 from red box. big mistake.
instead, watch on netflix, ten things i hate about you- the abcfamily tv show. so so funny. like i literally want to blog quotes from it. you think at first it's going to be super cheesy lame (like mean girls 2), but the writing is actually really funny and witty. the guy that plays cameron is hilarious. okay, i have to blog just one quote.
        the girl who plays kat is trying to make her volvo a bio-diesel, so she is using the shop at school, which is full of boys who thinks she can't do it. the teacher says some real condescending/sexist stuff to her, and she goes, "i'm sorry is this shop or 1952?". then when all the guys are making bets, they are all betting against her, which will mess up the money pool, so she says she'll bet on herself.... to which the guy responds, "careful, you could buy a lot of tampons with that money".
         i am laughing so hard right now typing these out. you are probably not laughing at all. but i am really laughing. aaaaahhhh, good times.
         i feel like kelly is probably shaking her head reading this, cause she gets so mad when i try to tell her about shows. but if you know me, you know that telling people about shows and funny lines is my number one favorite thing to do.
        okay, i have to go, cause i really have to finish watching castle. (one time castle was so good that i did a whole scene for tyler.... and if you're not watching castle, you should be..... start at season one).

in case you didn't hear, i'm not pregnant. i repeat, not pregnant.

i'm okay. i really am.
however, i think that i am going to take a month or two off from clomid and doctor's appointments. if i didn't then i would be starting clomid tomorrow... and it would be double the dosage of last month.
that makes me have an anxiety attack just thinking about it. i am just having major major anxiety right now.... and kelly's asleep so i can't talk to her about it, and i feel real weird.

i don't know what happened. i was feeling so good while we were listening to conference. i love general conference. i love how it makes me feel. but i've been on a downward spiral since it finished.
i feel like maybe i should just go to bed... but honestly i've been sleeping like, all day. i can usually never take naps, but i took like a 3 hour one yesterday after work, and then 2 different ones today. and i'm sleeping in late. i just feel so tired. or maybe depressed?
but it's all good, cause i've got back up plans. my back up plan involves lots and lots of gym time. i just want to run and run and run, until i'm too tired to have anxiety.
i think after a month off of the crazy pills, i will be in a good place again, and then we can do round two. also i really think that i need to get back on metformin, so i'm going to work on that.

i feel like this post is all over the place, but maybe my mind is all over the place. i think i just need a good cry. i haven't cried since i found out that i wasn't pregnant. i think maybe i put the lock down on my emotions. i kind of had to because right after i found out, i had to go to work all day. the only time i got teary eyed was when one of the girls i work with, senicia, (who i love) brought me in the hugest arrangment of the most beautiful flowers in a vase. and a big costco muffin. i was in the middle of curling a girl's hair, and was racking my brain trying to figure out how she even knew, because i hadn't told anyone at work anything. she told me she had just read it on facebook. she said she was sorry and that she loved me, and not to give up. i have seriously never received so many, or such beautiful flowers from anyone- including my husband. is that the sweetest thing you have ever heard? that's the kind of person that i want to be.

on a serious note (cause this post is so lighthearted- ha), can i just say how much i love the gospel and this church. what would i do without it? i have no doubt in my mind of the reality of my heavenly father and jesus christ, and that they love me, and are with me throughout this ordeal. seriously, no doubt. not even a little. what did it say in that one talk about looking back on trials? i'm pretty sure it was elder uchtdorf, and it was something about looking back on the trial with a bittersweet fondness, but that's not right. now it's gonna bug me, so i have to look it up. one sec....
found it:
         "I remember this time with a sort of sad fondness. While I would not be eager to relive those days of trial and trouble, I have little doubt that the lessons I learned were a necessary preparation for future opportunity. Now, many years later, I know this for a certainty: it is often in the trial of adversity that we learn those most critical lessons that form our character and shape our destiny."


that's from uchtdorf's talk, two principles for any economy. i had to write tyler's sacrament talk from that talk. haha. but obviously i learned a little something while doing it.
anyway, back to what i was saying... i feel like this is a bittersweet time. it is so so hard, not gonna lie. i feel crazy. i feel anxious. i feel sad. i feel fat. i feel tired. i feel discouraged. i feel broken.
but i also feel like i am being tutored by the spirit. i feel like school is in session, you know what i mean? i am being taught. i am being humbled. i am being refined. and i cannot be anything but grateful for all of my blessings. any trials that we go through bring us closer to christ, who suffered ALL things. everything.
one of my favorite sections of scripture is d&c 122.
       
   "know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. the son of man hath descended below them all. art thou geater than he?"

that line always gets me. art thou greater than he?
anyway, i feel better now. thanks for letting me talk it out guys.
i better go to bed. i've only gotten 12 hours of sleep today :)

times they are a changin'

okay, so since it's the first thing everyone asks me.... i don't know if i'm pregnant yet. i can take a pregnancy test in a week. i kinda feel like i am, but that is dumb to admit out loud. but i really kinda do. i am trying to allow myself to be hopeful.... but trying not to get my hopes up. there's a difference.

also in big news, i asked to be released from seminary. it was so so hard for me to do... and i feel like i really had to be knocked down to the point where i would even do it, but now that it's done i feel such a weight lifted off of my shoulders. and i am getting some much needed rest. i really wouldn't have had the courage to do it if not for terri bell. matt and julie flew in a week ago saturday and spent the night. on sunday terri and gary came to pick them up and ended up staying for a couple of hours and hanging out. i was making cookies and terri came in the kitchen to talk to me and i just started sobbing, and poured out everything to her. she was so wonderful and gave me like a 2 hour pep talk, and said she wasn't leaving until we called whoever we needed to, to get me released from my calling. she said that after my mission she told me she would be my mom, but that she hadn't been able to make good on it, and she was going to now. and boy did she ever. i really felt like she just swooped into my house like a messenger from heaven, and that she was standing in place as my mom and telling me everything that i needed to hear. thank you terri!

and can i just say how much i love julie? i miss you real bad julie. i want you to come visit again. julie is like the most supportive friend in the world. and she knows and loves my handwriting... which makes me feel really special. and i really love her dog and husband. and she taught tyler how to sew. and she sewed up the holes in my skirt. she is just the best.

also in big news, in one week i will be going down to part time at work. i can't wait. so instead of working tues-sat. i will only work thursday, friday, and saturday. i just really needed to simplify my life. i was so tired, i can't even express. in fact the day i asked to be released i had tyler give me a blessing (cause i was a mess, big time, and cried all day).... and in it he said like 3-4 different times, your body needs rest... you need to rest. yes please. so that's exactly what i've been doing. all i want to do is sleep and eat. like i would love to just get back in bed right now and sleep all day. that sounds delicious. alas, i need to exercise. and i am going to make myself do it today.... even though i really just want to lay down.

in horrible news, tyler says that as soon as i find out i'm pregnant, no more diet coke. [picture a lone tear drop running down my face]. i say, maybe just a little??? he says, if i eat healthy then our baby will be in a wheelchair until it's eight, but then be able to walk. but if i sneak cheetos and diet coke, that it will be in a wheelchair for life. he says i can eat fruit and carrots. i say, i have a feeling i'm gonna be doing some sneaking. 

this is seriously the funniest thing ever. i can't stop watching it.

well... i'm a semi-fertile mertile

i just want to throw a quick update out there.
i am completely overwhelmed by the love and support everyone is giving me. even people i don't know. i am crying as i type this. you guys are the bomb. you have no idea how much it is helping me.
it's like i can literally feel your prayers for me. thank you.
i feel like i am being so blessed... so many tender mercies.
it's the same kind of feeling i had after my mom passed away, where i feel like, yes, i do have to go through this, but that heavenly father is literally blessing everything around it. i feel loved.
i am day five of chlomid (you only take five a cycle) and for the most part, i have had none of the side effects i was scared of. i feel great. it's unbelievable. not saying that i still won't have anything, but so far so good.
i just got back from the hopital this morning where i had my HSG (dye test). it checks to see if your fallopian tubes are blocked. do you want the good news first, or the bad news? ok, good first.
my left fallopian tube is totally open and unblocked.
bad: my right one is completely blocked.
so it's good. it could have been way worse, and i can still get prego from one ovary.... but it didn't stop me from crying the whole way home. anyway, i could go on, but you get the picture.
i love you guys. i have the best friends and family ever.

infertile mertile

well, i feel like i should probably post. i could literally talk your ear off right now, but i don't have the time because i'm tired and i need to do much before bed. so i'll just get to the most important stuff.

things have been progressing with the fertililty situation, and i will be starting chlomid in the next couple of days.

i am:

1. trying to think positive.
2. terrified of gaining weight. i can't go down that road. i just can't. i will run on the treadmill until i puke if neccesary.
3. terrified of how crazy i am going to be. what if i start screaming at the seminary kids or something? what if i tell one of my hair clients that if they don't like it they can get the hell out? i mean, these are real possibilities people.
4. wondering how i am going to be crazy hormonal, going to many more doctor's appointments, dealing with being emotionally paralyzed after those appointments, and still keep up my already completely full life. and by full i mean alarm going off at 5 in the morning... and getting home for the day after work at 8 at night. something's gotta give.
5. so, so scared of allowing myself to hope. everything in me fights against it. if i think for a split second about being pregnant after the first month of chlomid, i immediately shut it down and tell myself not to go there, it's not going to happen. because if i let myself believe it will, even for a second, that hope will implant itself in the back of my mind... and it will then destroy me when it doesn't happen.
6. starting to cry when i see cute blonde children. i have never been like this. at stake conference last sunday, we were seriously surrounded by the cutest ever blonde babies, toddlers, and ten year olds. i cried. a lot.

i guess what i'm trying to say is, pray for me. i have finally opened up this can of worms and i am realizing why i have been ignoring it for so long. it is painful. and emotional. and scary. but i know that this is what i am supposed to be doing. i cannot not do this any longer, you know?

alright, i'm tired and emotional. more to come.

what's that you say? you want to see a million pictures?

kelly cate and i had the best best trip. here is photographic evidence to support that claim.

we spent the most beautiful couple of hours at camp richardson out on the pier. it almost felt like summer. almost.

these pictures make me so happy.

keep in mind that any pictures of kelly and i together were taken by cate, age 7.

isn't she good?

ps- when tyler (who didn't come to tahoe) saw these pictures he said, "are you wearing sweats?!?" haha. yes, i'm wearing sweats. but apparently the cashier at 7-11 likes sweats. wink.

we also had the most amazing trip to the attic (thrift store) while we were in tahoe. such a perfect day.

 i love this picture. i could meditate to this picture.

 i love this picture of kelly. it reminds me of a mix of jackie o. and my mom.

i laughed so hard at this picture. perfect scarf placement.

 kelly busted out this sweet move 



 which resulted in the pulling of several muscles



of course we had to eat at red hut. yum.