Monday, March 28, 2011

times they are a changin'

okay, so since it's the first thing everyone asks me.... i don't know if i'm pregnant yet. i can take a pregnancy test in a week. i kinda feel like i am, but that is dumb to admit out loud. but i really kinda do. i am trying to allow myself to be hopeful.... but trying not to get my hopes up. there's a difference.

also in big news, i asked to be released from seminary. it was so so hard for me to do... and i feel like i really had to be knocked down to the point where i would even do it, but now that it's done i feel such a weight lifted off of my shoulders. and i am getting some much needed rest. i really wouldn't have had the courage to do it if not for terri bell. matt and julie flew in a week ago saturday and spent the night. on sunday terri and gary came to pick them up and ended up staying for a couple of hours and hanging out. i was making cookies and terri came in the kitchen to talk to me and i just started sobbing, and poured out everything to her. she was so wonderful and gave me like a 2 hour pep talk, and said she wasn't leaving until we called whoever we needed to, to get me released from my calling. she said that after my mission she told me she would be my mom, but that she hadn't been able to make good on it, and she was going to now. and boy did she ever. i really felt like she just swooped into my house like a messenger from heaven, and that she was standing in place as my mom and telling me everything that i needed to hear. thank you terri!

and can i just say how much i love julie? i miss you real bad julie. i want you to come visit again. julie is like the most supportive friend in the world. and she knows and loves my handwriting... which makes me feel really special. and i really love her dog and husband. and she taught tyler how to sew. and she sewed up the holes in my skirt. she is just the best.

also in big news, in one week i will be going down to part time at work. i can't wait. so instead of working tues-sat. i will only work thursday, friday, and saturday. i just really needed to simplify my life. i was so tired, i can't even express. in fact the day i asked to be released i had tyler give me a blessing (cause i was a mess, big time, and cried all day).... and in it he said like 3-4 different times, your body needs rest... you need to rest. yes please. so that's exactly what i've been doing. all i want to do is sleep and eat. like i would love to just get back in bed right now and sleep all day. that sounds delicious. alas, i need to exercise. and i am going to make myself do it today.... even though i really just want to lay down.

in horrible news, tyler says that as soon as i find out i'm pregnant, no more diet coke. [picture a lone tear drop running down my face]. i say, maybe just a little??? he says, if i eat healthy then our baby will be in a wheelchair until it's eight, but then be able to walk. but if i sneak cheetos and diet coke, that it will be in a wheelchair for life. he says i can eat fruit and carrots. i say, i have a feeling i'm gonna be doing some sneaking. 

Friday, March 11, 2011

well... i'm a semi-fertile mertile

i just want to throw a quick update out there.
i am completely overwhelmed by the love and support everyone is giving me. even people i don't know. i am crying as i type this. you guys are the bomb. you have no idea how much it is helping me.
it's like i can literally feel your prayers for me. thank you.
i feel like i am being so blessed... so many tender mercies.
it's the same kind of feeling i had after my mom passed away, where i feel like, yes, i do have to go through this, but that heavenly father is literally blessing everything around it. i feel loved.
i am day five of chlomid (you only take five a cycle) and for the most part, i have had none of the side effects i was scared of. i feel great. it's unbelievable. not saying that i still won't have anything, but so far so good.
i just got back from the hopital this morning where i had my HSG (dye test). it checks to see if your fallopian tubes are blocked. do you want the good news first, or the bad news? ok, good first.
my left fallopian tube is totally open and unblocked.
bad: my right one is completely blocked.
so it's good. it could have been way worse, and i can still get prego from one ovary.... but it didn't stop me from crying the whole way home. anyway, i could go on, but you get the picture.
i love you guys. i have the best friends and family ever.

Thursday, March 03, 2011

infertile mertile

well, i feel like i should probably post. i could literally talk your ear off right now, but i don't have the time because i'm tired and i need to do much before bed. so i'll just get to the most important stuff.

things have been progressing with the fertililty situation, and i will be starting chlomid in the next couple of days.

i am:

1. trying to think positive.
2. terrified of gaining weight. i can't go down that road. i just can't. i will run on the treadmill until i puke if neccesary.
3. terrified of how crazy i am going to be. what if i start screaming at the seminary kids or something? what if i tell one of my hair clients that if they don't like it they can get the hell out? i mean, these are real possibilities people.
4. wondering how i am going to be crazy hormonal, going to many more doctor's appointments, dealing with being emotionally paralyzed after those appointments, and still keep up my already completely full life. and by full i mean alarm going off at 5 in the morning... and getting home for the day after work at 8 at night. something's gotta give.
5. so, so scared of allowing myself to hope. everything in me fights against it. if i think for a split second about being pregnant after the first month of chlomid, i immediately shut it down and tell myself not to go there, it's not going to happen. because if i let myself believe it will, even for a second, that hope will implant itself in the back of my mind... and it will then destroy me when it doesn't happen.
6. starting to cry when i see cute blonde children. i have never been like this. at stake conference last sunday, we were seriously surrounded by the cutest ever blonde babies, toddlers, and ten year olds. i cried. a lot.

i guess what i'm trying to say is, pray for me. i have finally opened up this can of worms and i am realizing why i have been ignoring it for so long. it is painful. and emotional. and scary. but i know that this is what i am supposed to be doing. i cannot not do this any longer, you know?

alright, i'm tired and emotional. more to come.