well, i feel like i should probably post. i could literally talk your ear off right now, but i don't have the time because i'm tired and i need to do much before bed. so i'll just get to the most important stuff.
things have been progressing with the fertililty situation, and i will be starting chlomid in the next couple of days.
1. trying to think positive.
2. terrified of gaining weight. i can't go down that road. i just can't. i will run on the treadmill until i puke if neccesary.
3. terrified of how crazy i am going to be. what if i start screaming at the seminary kids or something? what if i tell one of my hair clients that if they don't like it they can get the hell out? i mean, these are real possibilities people.
4. wondering how i am going to be crazy hormonal, going to many more doctor's appointments, dealing with being emotionally paralyzed after those appointments, and still keep up my already completely full life. and by full i mean alarm going off at 5 in the morning... and getting home for the day after work at 8 at night. something's gotta give.
5. so, so scared of allowing myself to hope. everything in me fights against it. if i think for a split second about being pregnant after the first month of chlomid, i immediately shut it down and tell myself not to go there, it's not going to happen. because if i let myself believe it will, even for a second, that hope will implant itself in the back of my mind... and it will then destroy me when it doesn't happen.
6. starting to cry when i see cute blonde children. i have never been like this. at stake conference last sunday, we were seriously surrounded by the cutest ever blonde babies, toddlers, and ten year olds. i cried. a lot.
i guess what i'm trying to say is, pray for me. i have finally opened up this can of worms and i am realizing why i have been ignoring it for so long. it is painful. and emotional. and scary. but i know that this is what i am supposed to be doing. i cannot not do this any longer, you know?
alright, i'm tired and emotional. more to come.