Thursday, March 03, 2011

infertile mertile

well, i feel like i should probably post. i could literally talk your ear off right now, but i don't have the time because i'm tired and i need to do much before bed. so i'll just get to the most important stuff.

things have been progressing with the fertililty situation, and i will be starting chlomid in the next couple of days.

i am:

1. trying to think positive.
2. terrified of gaining weight. i can't go down that road. i just can't. i will run on the treadmill until i puke if neccesary.
3. terrified of how crazy i am going to be. what if i start screaming at the seminary kids or something? what if i tell one of my hair clients that if they don't like it they can get the hell out? i mean, these are real possibilities people.
4. wondering how i am going to be crazy hormonal, going to many more doctor's appointments, dealing with being emotionally paralyzed after those appointments, and still keep up my already completely full life. and by full i mean alarm going off at 5 in the morning... and getting home for the day after work at 8 at night. something's gotta give.
5. so, so scared of allowing myself to hope. everything in me fights against it. if i think for a split second about being pregnant after the first month of chlomid, i immediately shut it down and tell myself not to go there, it's not going to happen. because if i let myself believe it will, even for a second, that hope will implant itself in the back of my mind... and it will then destroy me when it doesn't happen.
6. starting to cry when i see cute blonde children. i have never been like this. at stake conference last sunday, we were seriously surrounded by the cutest ever blonde babies, toddlers, and ten year olds. i cried. a lot.

i guess what i'm trying to say is, pray for me. i have finally opened up this can of worms and i am realizing why i have been ignoring it for so long. it is painful. and emotional. and scary. but i know that this is what i am supposed to be doing. i cannot not do this any longer, you know?

alright, i'm tired and emotional. more to come.

11 comments:

ashleyboice said...

I am so praying for you.

I wish there was something I could do to take away some of what you have to bear right now.

Just have on repeat playing in your mind...

"I can do hard things"

You really can Nicole...and you do everyday. You are such a strong lady...you got this!

heather said...

prayers comin right up. whenever you think you are going to have a freak out (aka panic attack) do a little something for yourself. A simple pleasure. Bubble bath with a book?

Kelly said...

Maybe we should have a family fast this sunday? However none of us are good at fasting and it will send us all spiraling haha

bBchronicles said...

When you THINK you're ALONE . . . you're NOT! We're all here to support and help you through this! You are 'so NOT alone' in your journey either - so many others going through the same trial. There is NOTHING more POWERFUL than family and the POWER of prayer (we've already started 'that' some time ago!) and fasting (like Kelly said) - any time, any place!

Here is my NEW FAVORITE thought from a conference talk: "Come what may AND LOVE it!" (Elder Worthlin)

Go forward and FIGHT and FIGHT HARD for what you desire. No doubt in my mind, your mom is the 'spirit-inspector' and hasn't found the right one for you and Tylard yet ! ! ! !

Love you more than you know!

Kirsti.osborne said...

well roberta's comment made me cry! i love what you said last that you "can't not" do it anymore. i'm so happy you have started. i know it is hard and the hard parts are all just beginning but i want you to call me whenever (seriously 5 am, 11pm, 3 am it doesn't matter). i love you.

nancy said...

thank you for sharing this nicole. you have blessed others lives through sharing what you are going through and for being the light that you are! i love you from afar. these are some awesome comments from family and friends so all i can add is when you're feeling down, just picture my naked back and how long it is. you'll be pondering it for hours and won't be able to remember what made you sad. and on a serious note, i am praying for you. :) GOOOOOO CLOMID!

sarawhat said...

Call me when you're crazy! I'll validate you and tell you that hair client deserved what she had coming. Or that it was about time someone taught those teenagers a lesson. :) I'm really excited for you that you've got this whole process started. And when it DOES happen (maybe not right away, but it will) I'll be dying for that happy phone call. Love you nicole!

Lindsey said...

We don't know each other, but I just read your post. I am praying for you and will continue to do so. My favorite verse is found in Psalms 46: It says "Be still and know I am God..." All things are possible, just let Him take the reins. Good luck!!

GRodenberg said...

you're beginning to understand the feelings of motherhood! welcome! i have done ALL of those crazy things and more in the name of hormones. Scary....but worth it! Bring it on! I want some yummy Boice babies in the family!

GRodenberg said...

ps hilarious...when kelly said we should fast, i started thinkng,,, i wonder how long i can last. ohhhh reneer women!

Missy said...

Nicole- You sound just like me, it's crazy. I couldn't go to church for awhile because I kept bawling in Sacrament when I saw the cute babies. I sooo understand how you are feeling right now in every way. I pray for you every night. I love you!