Wednesday, June 15, 2011

be my litle baby

last night before bed, i was looking through kelly's "favorite posts", and i found this picture:


this picture always makes me tear up. it is right before my mission- a few months before my mom died. that is her looking over my shoulder. and that is cate as a baby.

i had a dream last night. in my dream was a little, blonde-haired roman. he was so yummy. i was holding him to my chest, and rocking him saying, "i just want you so much", over and over.
i kid you not, this was my dream.
i am getting a little choked up even typing it. it was so real feeling. he felt so real.
i haven't been able to shake it all day, and have started crying a couple times seeing pictures of cute babies.
you guys, i need roman. like, now.
i am so sad, and just lonely.

tyler and i were on a walk with dottie the other night, and one of the houses we walked by had all the cozy lights on, and people throughout it, and it filled me with longing.
where are all the people to fill my house?

i know i haven't really updated the fertility situation. i reallllly lost it on that third month of clomid. i'm not on it anymore. i couldn't. and i'm not sure that i will be doing much more doctor stuff. at least not for now. i just can't live like that. it is so hard, i can't even express.
i just want to be happy.

tyler and i are probably going to start the adoption process here pretty soon. a couple in our ward adopted their baby (they can't have their own... and their little adopted girl is the cutest thing ever), and he was telling us, it's all about networking.

soooo.....
anyone want to give us a baby?

but seriously, keep your ears open for us.
cause remember this picture?



i neeeeeeed him. i really do.

ps- the guy also told us that when you adopt, you do get one thing that all those fertile couples don't. you get to take your sweet little baby to the temple, and place your hands on the altar all together, and be sealed as a family for eternity.

okay, crying again.


10 comments:

ashleyboice said...

I really wish I could give you a baby. I would. My heart aches for you EVERYDAY...especially right now. Your time will come. I know it.

shauna.m. said...

i just logged out of google reader to comment... as hard and sucky as this is i love this post...and as an adorable adopted baby girl i love your decision to do this...also i love that tyler supports this...i do not love your heart hurting but i know like ahley said your time will come and it sucks it isnt right now...you wil be such a good mommy and i know because your such a good one to me ...this is all scattered and i cant get out what i wanted but i think you will get it somehow anyways...love u cole hope this made a little sense ...ps call me ?soon

sarawhat said...

http://celebratelifewithus.blogspot.com/
these are some friends of ours who just adopted a little girl from the Ukraine. THey've been blogging through the whole experience, so you'll have to go back and start at the beginning. It makes me cry all the time. I love adoption and I think it's a huge blessing in the lives of the child and the parents who adopt. I love you Nicole. I wish I could loan you a fallopian tube or that there was SOMETHING I could say to help you feel better. But I know there's not. I'll just say I love you and I miss you and I can't wait until we live next door to eachother someday so we can make fun of our kids and drink diet cokes on our front porches. Doesn't that sound woooonderful?

Kandee Lou said...

Nicole, my heart is aching for you. I wish I could give you a baby. Sunday our teacher in young womens told us her story of infertility. About wanting a house full of little people. Then something happened in her life and she finally realized that Heavenly Father had another plan for her. She was able to have one child & they adopted one. One that is the spitting image of his daddy, so I know it was part of their plan. I also have a good friend that has been trying for 18 years. She just turned 40 and is 6 months pregnant. Don't give up sweetie, Heavenly Father knows what we need and will help us. Hugs.

Cindy said...

You have such a similar story to my daughter in law, Meredith. We should email or something. Clomid didn't work for her at all until the 3rd time, triple the dose. The ultrasound finally showed glowing ovaries, eggs, and her doctor did a. s. 48 hours later for the best possible chance of success. This was last week. We won't find anything out until the end of next week. Her doctor did take a bit of a different approach though doing the clomid in week increments instead of month. He thinks it is more successful.

Email me, 'k? Berta has my address. Roman needs to get to you fast!

bBchronicles said...

Wow, what can I say except "ROMAN" I love you - hurry and come - gma wants to play & Dottie NEEDS a little brother!

I KNOW what you mean when you say your dream was so real - because I've had them too and I KNOW the feeling. Cling to that dream and those feelings - ((((I believe Heavenly Father wanted you to have that experience - how loving is that!)))) To this very day I can remember (and feel) an amazing dream He allowed me to have - so real - so beautiful and it had to do with children!

There are SO MANY couples going through identical experiences as you - yet their desire to have children is SO FAR from reality for them. I KNOW you're being watched over and KNOW He is mindful of your desire to 'fill your home'! Continue to work in that direction and His WILL will begin to come into focus in your lives and things will happen that you won't even believe. Have FAITH that your dream will come to be and the little ones you are holding in your dream will SOOOOOOON become part of your life and will fill your home with JOY and UNBELIEVABLE HAPPINESS.

I KNOW and FEEL there are some amazing things in store for you and Tylard - "Be still and know that I am God".

Hugs to you sweet-one! I love you!
MomBerta

Deb said...

Awhile ago I was walking through the temple and saw a mother holding a tiny baby all dressed in white and wearing a bonnet. It was such a sweet sight.

heather said...

he looks like ammon. he is coming. i am sure of it.

GRodenberg said...

ok, crying too. I'll keep my ears and eyes open!

Kirsti.osborne said...

my favorite picture!