Sunday, April 03, 2011

in case you didn't hear, i'm not pregnant. i repeat, not pregnant.

i'm okay. i really am.
however, i think that i am going to take a month or two off from clomid and doctor's appointments. if i didn't then i would be starting clomid tomorrow... and it would be double the dosage of last month.
that makes me have an anxiety attack just thinking about it. i am just having major major anxiety right now.... and kelly's asleep so i can't talk to her about it, and i feel real weird.

i don't know what happened. i was feeling so good while we were listening to conference. i love general conference. i love how it makes me feel. but i've been on a downward spiral since it finished.
i feel like maybe i should just go to bed... but honestly i've been sleeping like, all day. i can usually never take naps, but i took like a 3 hour one yesterday after work, and then 2 different ones today. and i'm sleeping in late. i just feel so tired. or maybe depressed?
but it's all good, cause i've got back up plans. my back up plan involves lots and lots of gym time. i just want to run and run and run, until i'm too tired to have anxiety.
i think after a month off of the crazy pills, i will be in a good place again, and then we can do round two. also i really think that i need to get back on metformin, so i'm going to work on that.

i feel like this post is all over the place, but maybe my mind is all over the place. i think i just need a good cry. i haven't cried since i found out that i wasn't pregnant. i think maybe i put the lock down on my emotions. i kind of had to because right after i found out, i had to go to work all day. the only time i got teary eyed was when one of the girls i work with, senicia, (who i love) brought me in the hugest arrangment of the most beautiful flowers in a vase. and a big costco muffin. i was in the middle of curling a girl's hair, and was racking my brain trying to figure out how she even knew, because i hadn't told anyone at work anything. she told me she had just read it on facebook. she said she was sorry and that she loved me, and not to give up. i have seriously never received so many, or such beautiful flowers from anyone- including my husband. is that the sweetest thing you have ever heard? that's the kind of person that i want to be.

on a serious note (cause this post is so lighthearted- ha), can i just say how much i love the gospel and this church. what would i do without it? i have no doubt in my mind of the reality of my heavenly father and jesus christ, and that they love me, and are with me throughout this ordeal. seriously, no doubt. not even a little. what did it say in that one talk about looking back on trials? i'm pretty sure it was elder uchtdorf, and it was something about looking back on the trial with a bittersweet fondness, but that's not right. now it's gonna bug me, so i have to look it up. one sec....
found it:
         "I remember this time with a sort of sad fondness. While I would not be eager to relive those days of trial and trouble, I have little doubt that the lessons I learned were a necessary preparation for future opportunity. Now, many years later, I know this for a certainty: it is often in the trial of adversity that we learn those most critical lessons that form our character and shape our destiny."

that's from uchtdorf's talk, two principles for any economy. i had to write tyler's sacrament talk from that talk. haha. but obviously i learned a little something while doing it.
anyway, back to what i was saying... i feel like this is a bittersweet time. it is so so hard, not gonna lie. i feel crazy. i feel anxious. i feel sad. i feel fat. i feel tired. i feel discouraged. i feel broken.
but i also feel like i am being tutored by the spirit. i feel like school is in session, you know what i mean? i am being taught. i am being humbled. i am being refined. and i cannot be anything but grateful for all of my blessings. any trials that we go through bring us closer to christ, who suffered ALL things. everything.
one of my favorite sections of scripture is d&c 122.
   "know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. the son of man hath descended below them all. art thou geater than he?"

that line always gets me. art thou greater than he?
anyway, i feel better now. thanks for letting me talk it out guys.
i better go to bed. i've only gotten 12 hours of sleep today :)


sarawhat said...

Love you Nicole. Another one of my favorite things that Elder Uchdorf said was something about how the answers to our prayers usually do not come while we're on our knees, but while we're on our feet seving the Lord and serving others. In my opinion, take a few days to be sad. You've earned them. Sleep a whole bunch. Then get busy! I want this baby for you soooooo so so so bad. Sorry if I keep spouting opinion. I keep hoping something I can say can help, but I know it probably won't. Just know I love you and I'm keeping you in prayers all the time.

bBchronicles said...

What can a mother say? "You ROCK!" Seriously, you do! I do have to admit, I thought it was a 'bit too early' to get excited - I really think 'these things' take a little time but if there's anyone who can get through this, it's YOU! I think the Lord is trying to show you, "you're tougher than you think" - because you are. There is NO DOUBT in my mind there WILL BE A BABY - no 'if' but 'when' - be patient sweetheart - ALL GOOD THINGS TAKE TIME! Dig your heels in and 'fight' for this baby - "Do what it takes!" has always been my motto!

Conference gives me the 'warm and fuzzies' - It's like 'fueling-time' and then you get thrown back out into the world to continue your journey. Search through ALL the messages (and scriptures) when they come and you will find answers to all your concerns. I love you ENOUGH for the 'two of us' - for myself and for YOUR MOM! . . . but you knew that! Our ARMS are around you sweet Nicole - forever!
I love you, MomB

ashleyboice said...

Nicole...Call me when you wake up. Seriously.

Deb said...

I always go back to this talk when I am struggling with anything.
The Enabling Power of the Atonement

maybe it will be a help/comfort to you.

ashleyboice said...

I am proud of you.

Kirsti.osborne said...

you amaze me!! i love you so much! roman will come... i think your mom is getting in some real good cozies and she is just not quite ready to give him up. can't you just see your mom holding on real tight going "no romie...don't go yet. coco can wait. i still need you!"

kelly said...

that's a real good comment, kirsti.